Lately, I've been thinking about trajectory. Like, career and life trajectory. I thought I about how I thought my career and life would be when I reached a certain age. I used to think I would hit this big windfall and then finally my career would take off and I'd be set for life. Instead, I'm actually working a regular day job and teaching private lessons while pursuing music in the time I make for it. I have hit some career highs and some serious lows, but they aren't the huge windfalls I thought they would be. Instead, they're little stackable moments that add up and help me figure the direction I want to go. Trying to force a windfall when life is unpredictable and humbling is almost laughable if it wasn't so frustrating. Lately, I've learned to release the titanic grip I have on my musical career expectations and just focus on making projects I can be proud of and want to share. I've accepted that the windfall may never come and that I just might be a regular degular person on this planet, doing their best to make things work.
I’m not a psychiatrist or therapist but here are some tips and tricks I’ve learned throughout my music career concerning stage fright and performance anxiety that goes beyond taking deep breaths and practicing a lot.
We’re not splitting this even
Danny got all that extra beer
Saying it’s been a hard year
Join the club kid
We’re all a little beat up
It’s amazing we can keep up
Stop looking stumped kid
You made it this far
Just look where you are
So every little thing hasn’t found it’s perfect place
But every little thing doesn’t work out that way
Sangria’s on Masood
Thank you dude
Always looking out
Couldn’t do without-
Wait, they’re still together
You’d think she’d know better
Who’s gonna tell her
I could but its none of my business
No matter how much I’ve witnessed
Anyhoo don’t you think it’s sweet
We all came to Lin’s show
Making her feel noticed and letting her know
That no matter where she is
In the world she’ll never be alone
We’re never alone
So when this is all over
And we all go back home
Don’t hesitate to call me
Push the green check on your phone
‘Cause past all the late nights
And facing the student loans
I need you to remind me
That I’m never alone
In the middle of doing a different type of track in a genre I've always wanted to play around in. I'd like it to be a surprise but I will say it's a sort of dance track, though I'll refrain from saying exactly which genre. I like that artists can switch genres like clothing styles. Not 'cause we're being forced but because it's engaging, it awakens the senses. I feel myself being challenged in a way I haven't in a long time. Working within the limits of a genre but still experimenting. Turning little details upside down and backwards but keeping a foot on the line to remain approachable. I'm actually having fun. Creating music is fun. Who knew?
Edit: It's disco. I'm doing a modern disco track, hehe.🕺🏾
What else is knew? We are on Day 2 of spinning around in circles trying to get this software to work. I finally, FINALLY updated my operating system which meant rendering the protools software I've had for the past 7 years useless and obsolete.
After avoiding the inevitable for a couple days, I broke down and succumbed to the new version of Pro Tools. Which is a yearly subscription 😬 Something I'm increasingly not a fan of BUT considering this is a mainstay software in the one of the most fast-moving industries, it makes sense that it's set up to be easily updated on a regular basis and hopefully the money sustainably supports the staff and tech.
EXCEPT that it's now fighting my hardware, the thing that actually hooks up to mics and records. (Whining:) Why won't it recognize my hardware and how is it that I'm still, after all these years, having issues getting pro tools to function? I will say, to be nicer to myself, I am in a better headspace and handling this issue better. I don't immediately start crying out of frustration after my 56th attempt of clicking the playback and I/O setup buttons, trying to switch things around, re-downloading drivers and still not seeing my hardware pop up. I stop myself from spiraling into negative thoughts that want to affirm that something always goes wrong when I try something new.
I talked to my mom as I usually do when finicky technology threatens my mental peace and she simply said, you should talk the people and just ask for help. That's part of what you paid for, help for when you need it.
I mean yes, that's true, but I hate asking for help because I hate the feeling when the solutions turn out to be simple and I feel stupid or incompetent. As someone in the performing arts, you'd think I'd have no dignity left and feeling shame would be impossible but ALAS!
So, instead of staring at empty tracks on pro tools, empty because I can't record anything because my fast track refuses to be a team player because I'm still barely a producer and I need to be easy on myself because how can I know every. little. thing? Instead of doing all that, I'll just send an email early Monday morning before heading to my day job and hope for a kind, patient, non-judgmental soul that will guide me to the probably obvious solution. And I will thank them profusely and feel a sense of relief that I can get back on track and not waste any more time being frustrated.
Okay, now I'm irritated that I didn't email them yesterday to hurry up and get this over with.
Oh well, no sense in lingering on that. Let me go take a step way from my computer and take a much deserved retina break.
I wanted a little place to share updates about upcoming projects! Patreon's cool but kinda distant, I only get a youtube community tab if I have more than 1000 subs and we're not there yet, and the rest of the socials are just all over the place. So here we go!
Currently I'm working on a couple originals. I'm gonna see if I can finish this SZA-inspired song, and I'm also working these two other songs based on CW prompts. I was song writing with my friend Kelsy, and I had just seen that Vampire Diaries vid on youtube and I was like, we should write song that would be played on a show like that.
And let me tell you, it made something click in me. I've been writing and actually finishing songs! Finally! We wrote a couple on our own, but the one we wrote together is finished, all that is left to do is add some production. The actual song writing process was fun and hilarious and I can't wait to share the songs with y'all!